St Andrews Counselling & Psychotherapy
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|Posted on 22 September, 2018 at 9:47|
Often people run into difficulties when it comes to setting boundaries with others.
So what is a boundary: The Oxford dictionary definition "A line which marks the limits of an area; a dividing line". Looking at this from a psychological perspective " a psychological limit that marks the distinction between behaviour that does not cause emotional harm and behaviour that causes emotional harm".(http://guidetopsychology.com/boundaries.htm.)
When we have good enough boundaries we say "yes" when we want to and "no" when we don't want to. If our boundaries are lax or loose we can believe that we don't have either the choice or right to say no, this maybe due to poor self-esteem or self-worth and we don't want to upset the other.
This can lead to a subjugation of our own needs or not even realising we have needs and that others needs are important than ours. So we end up agreeing to do things we don't want to do in order to stay in relationship with the other. This happens out of direct awareness and maybe as simple as being asked "What would you like to do?" (about key decisions over finances, holidays, children, going out at the weekend, where to live, moving etc).
Would you say you are a people pleaser? Do you feel in order to be in relationship with your partner, friends and relatives you have to agree with them? What do you fear if you don't agree? Is this that they won't like or love you? When did you last put your needs first?
If any of this strikes a chord then this maybe helpful:
1.Before you agree or say yes, pause and consider, do I really want to do this?
2. Are you in a situation or relationship that is harmful to you but fear leaving or confronting this?
3. Do you allow others to decide for themselves or do you try and fix the problem, rescue or give unasked for advice?
4. How are you self-caring by pursuing your own interests?
5. Tell others how you want to be treated.
6. What are your needs, know what these are, for example; respect, being taken into account, being heard, to have choices and options, having personal space and privacy.
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others" Brene Brown
If you have found this blog helpful and would like to know more or would like to book an appointment, please email me on [email protected]